Getting Ready

David and Roz have one … Buck and Jenny have one … Rod and Bobbie have one …Lorraine and Chris have one …. Ian and Robyn have one …. Allan and Belinda have one …. David and Jenny have one …. Even Erika and Knud have a maritime version of one …. Mike! … We are going to have a caravan!

Over my dead body! …. what on earth would convince me to exchange overnight accommodations in the Hilton for the life of a caravanner!

Mike we are going to have one! .... No we are not! … Yes we are! … No we are not!  -  I realise this is another battle that I am about to lose – I counsel myself - Think strategically … think strategically!


My last ditch attempt at winning the battle emerges from my lips - Bernadette if I agree to a trial of a caravaner’s life there are going to be conditions you know …. You always say that! …. Yes but this time there are going to be real conditions!

Ok Mike so what are your conditions? ….. I am internally very smug since I know she will never agree to my conditions …. firstly you must agree that Melanie will come out of retirement … secondly you have to cede to me all rights to appoint Melanie as my representative in the almost certain case of our first caravan trip leading to divorce proceedings ….  Ah success I think to myself … I have caused a moment’s hesitation in Bernadette’s response …. Perhaps I have at last won an exchange …. Alas no …. She reluctantly agrees ….perhaps she realises that there is no way Melanie will come out of retirement anyway …. I am wedged – I suppose deep down I always knew I was going to lose! – The search for a caravan begins.

I really like that caravan Mike …. What! …. Look at the cost! …. We could pay for a divorce with the money we would have to set aside for that! …. She senses that it might be best for her to adjust her aim a little lower … look I don’t mind Mikey … you just get a suitable van.

An old, old van appears in the paper – sounds ok – the price is right – the still married couple inspect the van – seems ok - The van is acquired … indeed its standard is somewhat south of the standard to which Bernadette aspired but with her normal easy going persona she accepts that while it may not be the ultimate in caravans at least it is a caravan.

I am just a little smug …. Just a few modifications to ready this thing for the road … You ignoramus … the modifications create more modifications – the humble camper is internally transformed … new bed runners … new cupboards … new benches … new flies … storage boxes … inverters … reversing camera … repair and service the lifting mechanism ….

My miserly tendencies mean that I am reluctant to spend money on things that I could do myself …. The inevitable happens … the modifications schedule of a week or so turns into a month … The modifications and my exploits become the topic of kilometre after kilometre of conversation between panting, sweating, heaving, lycra clad, old men and mature women – what is he up to now? – What is he doing to that thing? – Time for an inspection they say! – the lycra clad inspectors can hardly contain their amusement – they are polite to my face but use the visitation to inspire even wilder stories for conveyance to their fellow riders later in the week.

The lycra bearers are joined by members of the caravanning community – they seems to emerge from everywhere to cast their eye over proceedings … everyone that sees the van suggests some essential addition to accommodate the tribulations of the roving lifestyle …. You need a doona … no you need an electric blanket …. You need a beany … you need a heater … don’t forget your mat for the showers …. No don’t use a mat - use crocs … why are you taking out the gas stove …. You never cook inside! ….. You need a toolbox …. Don’t take too many tools with you …. You can never have enough tools … have you tested the electricity? … no …. I will come around and test it for you …. An Anderson plug – have you got an Anderson plug connected to the car? … No … how are you going to keep the frig cold? … Is the frig two or three way? … What does that mean? … never mind! …. Levelling ramps … you need levelling ramps! … A hydraulic jack … you need a hydraulic jack! … Don’t forget your sullage hose! …. You are not going to use that garden hose for water are you! … Have you checked the wheel bearings – you must check the wheel bearing! … the only thing that there seems universal agreement upon is that: “you are going to love it! …. You are going to love it!” ….Why do I find that hard to imagine … after all I spent years developing expertise in the appropriate and extended us of the Hilton chain of hotels … how I am going to enjoy life at the other end of the accommodations spectrum I have no idea!

As the modifications proceed I imagine ways of delaying the departure date …. In reality I knew that delaying the departure date was simply delaying the inevitable!

You are going to write a blog aren’t you! - I am not sure that it will be appropriate to share my experiences in written form … after all this might prove counterproductive in any family court proceedings that may be consequent upon the trip …. No – No - You must write a blog!

What shall I call the blog? – Lamentations of a Hilton traveller? ….. You will love it? ….. Don’t forget the sullage hose? …. A test of marital harmony? .... Re-imaging the Hilton!

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