The Adventure Begins

Coffee at Muriel’s – Geoff, Graeme and Keith assist David Parker in more razzing – more horror stories of unsuccessful caravan expeditions – more questions about my preparedness all aimed at unsettling me – what is my assessment of their capacity as stirrers? – I would rate the former three as all being highly competent – in the case of David Parker he has so completely mastered the stirrer’s art that there is no scale capable of containing his rating.

Departure time is approaching – the visit of the asbestos man is imminent - Bobbie and Rod stop to wish us luck – Fran does likewise – Judy is farewelled - Keith fully regaled in Lycra and helmet does a final inspection of van’s hitching – he gives it his approval!

The asbestos man arrives and departs in an instant – you have no problems says he! – You will get an email report! – oh that is great but isn’t sad for our friends over the road? – Actually my partner said he detected asbestos in some of the houses around here but I think he is wrong! – We hope our fellow is right and that the other inspector is indeed wrong! – at least we are delighted for our friends in the moment.

One last check of the car – Oh dear – what is that hanging on the back window!  -– There in all their glory hang the pair of fluffy dice that we had previously so generously presented to Brian and Sam Royal on the occasion of their acquisition of their fine BMW saloon - Oh the ingratitude of it all! – In the words of the great Kamahl – “Why are people can be so unkind?” – The fluffy dice are transferred to the van and duly photographed – Brian would want his clandestine exploits recorded.  

The time has come – the departure can be delayed no further – I think of Dylan – “The time they are a changin’” – true? – I suspect that they may be changing at least for this reluctant traveller.

Discretion is the better part of valour - opt for the major rather than the minor road – up the Hume Freeway,


Recall the advice of the expert caravaners who have been free with their advice to the novices – stop often – take it easy - we stop for lunch after about an hour at a truck stop  – the sandwich lunch goes fine – not so the overall stop – a few kilometre’s down the freeway – one says to the other – did you put the esky back in the car – no – last time I saw it, it was balanced precariously on the tow bar – could it still be there? – Alas no – turn around says the navigator – No! says the driver – oh well there goes two good bottles of wine and a week’s supply of special probiotics – the driver thinks to himself – “just as I thought – this caravanning has  whiskers on it” – remember the advice – stay relaxed – don’t get stressed – just a couple of bottles of wine.

Climb the freeway hills approaching Gundagai – make the mistake of looking at the instant fuel consumption readings on the trip computer – 40litres per 100 kilometres – stay calm Michael – give this caravanning thing a chance – a scotch and dry at the Hilton can be expensive you know.

Approach the “Dog on the Tucker Box” – every caravaner I have ever knew stopped here so I assume it is an essential activity for any novice – what are we stopping here for! – my rationale is explained – the explanation is received by the navigator but barely acknowledged instead Dan the Lego Man is released from her handbag and duly photographed with the dog and the caravan! – While the stop may not convert me to “caravanism” (I suspect it is indeed a religion) at least it will play a part in the next book that Bernie will write for the grandchildren.

We approach Coolac and depart the relative safety of the freeway – slow down! – slow down – what do you mean slow down – we are only doing 80kph – I know but there are corners now – there weren’t any corners on the highway – I am sorry she says – I am just not use to it!

We push on – Muttama Road to Old Gundagai Road – past burnt stubble field after burnt stubble field – in this day and age we can only assume that the burning must really be necessary - turn off the old Gundagai Road onto the Olympic Highway – I could now close my close my eyes and drive this road – I have driven this road hundreds of time - I feel my stress levels rise – old memories of driving between Wagga and Bathurst in the first days of CSU spring to mind – stressful – stressful days.

Stop! - I want to take a photograph – a stressed filled drive responds with more than a hint of angst - NO! – Bernie we have a bloody caravan behind us we cannot just stop anywhere – eventually we stop – Dan the Lego Man must be photographed near a wombat sign.

On through Young – not much seems to have changed – oh dear! - oh dear - oh dear! - who in their rights minds would change the name of the famous old "Wok and Roll" - we find the old Chines restaurant still on the site but with name changed! - while the food may have been of dubious quality its name was "Michelin Star"


We obey the navigator’s instructions to slow down to negotiate the long, sharp, nasty, right curves at Bendix Murrell – a kilometre down the down – the navigation shouts – Stop! – the pole carrier door has been left unlatched – the annex poles are attempting escape into stubble paddocks.

We approach Cowra – look with considerable envy at the fellow travellers who apply their blinkers to indicate their intention to book into the motel on the left - we approach the caravan park – the driver’s stress levels increase to another level – towing a caravan is one thing – actually setting one up is another – will I be able to park the bloody thing – will those fully committed and baptised converts to “caravanism” be sitting back and laughing at me and I endeavour to moor – relax Michael – block it all out! – remember we agreed that there would be no displays of marital disharmony at any caravan park.


I start to reverse the caravan – I swing the caravan towards its mooring berth - Bernie is exceptionally committed to ensuring there is no overt display of the aforementioned marital dis-harmony  – she puts up her hand – walks quickly to the driver’s window and quietly tells me to stop turning – you have turned too tightly – the car has touched the vans toolbox – bugger – not as bad as expected - nothing that a daub of touch-up paint will not fix  – the need for some touch-up paint aside, the initial berthing of the van goes without undue mishap.

Now it is time to set up the van – oh dear – oh dear – where in the bloody hell is the water input point – oh dear – oh dear - now I remember I never did get around to reconnecting the junction point – ah well – just have to bucket water for tonight. – We have waste water disposal but no water to generate the waste!

Now to raise the roof – perfect – all proceeds without a hitch – Bernie release catches – Mike winds the handle – we look like professionals! – time to slide out the beds – the beds slide out with remarkable ease – we look like professionals – those converts to caravanism, hereafter to be known as caravanlutians, that are looking on from behind the protection of their curtained windows must think we are one of them – now it is time to prop the beds, raise the bed roof and fly the bed flies – the props will not fit – Bernie get inside and push the beds out a little more! – she can’t – we try and we try – ah – how about we undo that size and release the Velcro – yep – let’s try that – success- the bed props fit – now to do up the zips – they have been fully released – they will not re-engage – pull – heave – pull push – all to no avail – we sense the movement of curtains as the caravanlutians start to appreciate that they may indeed have a pair of heretics in their midst - we start again – pull out the props – push the beds in a little – fit the props – do up the zipper – anchor the beds in place – raise the bed roof – securing it in place – raise the fly – at least one end is done – repeat the complete performance at the other end – finally it is done! – On the negative side of the ledger it has taken an hour! – On the positive side of the ledger there is yet to be an overt display of marital dis-harmony – perhaps Melanie can continue planning for her overseas excursion.

To the park barbeques to prepare dinner - Our caravan advisors had all told us of the extroverts who will accost any fellow traveller with detailed expositions on their travels before expecting their targets to respond in like fashion – we meet our first example of the breed – a pair of middle age English people spending 10 months wandering around Australia – this is the third time they have done it! – Much to my surprise I enjoyed their discourse although I was delighted that this couple did not ask us to relate the experiences of our travelling day.

Time for bed - I wonder how many days of this you need to negotiate before you receive the grace necessary for conversion to become true caravanlutian!

All in all an uneventful start to the journey – a razzing before we start – the receipt of a pair of fluffy dice – the loss of two good bottles of wine and the esky – coping with annex poles that had a delinquent tendencies  – denting the car – who said that caravanning was not great fun! – staying in the Hilton was never like this!